pearliegrimm:

The star signs as things I’ve heard at my job.

Libra: “What are you getting for Christmas?” “Fucking euthanised hopefully.”

Cancer: *fergalicious playing in a dead empty foyer at 11:53pm*

Gemini: 30 minute discussion over garlic bread

Scorpio: “Hey guys can we put a pause on this meeting? There’s a fucking squirtle outside I gotta catch.”

Leo: “I was straight before I start working here what the fcuk.”

Pisces: “Do you watch anime?” A beat of silence. “…Unfortunately.”

Capricorn: “I smacked his ass so hard he went into the shadow realm.”

Sagittarius: *holding a broom like a sword* “While you were having premarital sex, i was studying the blade.”

Aquarius: “Hey can you check downstairs if they can see me playing coolmathsgames up here?”

Virgo: “Come in here, it’s important.” *rolls up pants to reveal pizza socks.* “Look at this shit.”

Aries: “The only things that bring me joy are seagulls and Mr. Brightside.”

Taurus: *throwing gift cards like shurikens* “Eat shit, Naruto.”