asynca:

One thing I find really troubling about Tumblr’s insistence on labelling people who make mistakes and/or do bad things as “bad people” is that it is absolutely against every clinical model of how to communicate critical feedback with someone, and also, to rehabilitate them. 

When you write someone off and call them a bad person and morally bankrupt, it does two things: 

• Most people know in their hearts that they’re good people who want good things for others. So when you call someone a bad person for doing x, they will immediately ignore everything else you’re saying because you’re going against their internal understanding of themselves as a good person. Everything you say will be dismissed as an insult and not received.
• Even if the person acknowledges they’ve done the wrong thing, writing someone off forever and making them suffer forever for this one problem behaviour is cruel, pointless and sadistic. it’s a power move, it’s putting yourself above them as a “better” person and not allowing the person to ever atone. Let people do better. 

It’s very important to separate the person from the behaviour. 

Almost all people wish they could do the right thing – the healthy thing, the action that best fits with their morals and their idea of themself as a good person. There are so many reasons people don’t do the ‘right’ thing: mental health, addiction, time, many conflicting priorities, resources, support systems, money, ignorance, how they grew up, how their parents behaved, etc, etc. Not making the right choice is almost never indicative that someone is Bad. 

When someone does the wrong thing, it’s important to remember that it’s their behaviour that is an issue, not them as a person. 

Eg. Jodie said she wishes “there weren’t so many gays in video games these days”. 

Yeah, that’s homophobic as hell. However, let’s contextualize this.

If Jodie’s grown up in the Bible Belt, compared to many opinions she will have heard about gay folks (”I’d kill my son if he was a faggot.”), her opinion is very moderate. She probably thinks to herself that she doesn’t really hate gay people at all, they’re fine, but it’s ‘annoying’ how they’re inserting themselves into video games these days. She made this Facebook post right after playing a game with a male protagonist she was crushing on a bit, and then was shocked and upset when he showed interest in another man. She’s not used to men not being interested in women and is bitter today that game studios are pandering to the gays and stole this character from her. 

Even more context: Jodie is struggling with being bullied in school, her father can be pretty harsh with her (but not her sister), and she’s supporting her best friend through depression. As far as she knows she’s never met a gay person. 

Is Jodie a bad person? Because that’s how she’d be labelled on Tumblr. She’d be dogpiled for that comment and driven out of the community. That’s not going to improve her opinion of gay people or even demonstrate to her how that opinion hurts people. 

On Tumblr, you’re presented a really narrow, myopic view of someone that encouraged to place heavy judgment on transgressions when they occur. 

Most people who slip up are good people who’ve displayed a bad behaviour. Approach all people you communicate with with the assumption they are good people – because they probably are. Some of them might be damaged and defensive, some of them may be arrogant and entitled, but in their hearts, they all want to be good people who do the right thing. 

When you give criticism to someone, see it as coaching them towards a better behaviour, not as cutting them down to size or teaching them a lesson.