im in tears oh how this spoke to me

avolitorial:

to the person i was before–

your poetry is an unbecoming,
forever finding ways to negate
phrases that should bloom
easily. all your favorite words
sound like unravel, like ache,
like the moon as a white hole
in the dark, heavenly skull,
starshine bone.

you wrote about uprooting
your heart and throwing it
out with the weeds. today,
we are the dandelion, roots
seeking purchase anywhere
that the sun touches. i want
you to see me, growing in
the grave dirt you swallowed
for so long. you wrote
a poem once that goes
something like this–

at night, your bones pool
into miles of blue, a flood
that lifts you to the ceiling.
you float there, pinned, and
the birds flit from their nests
to circle you, feathers wavering
like leaves in the wind of
a passing train.
why don’t you just fly, they
say. the sky is right there,
why aren’t you flying?

i have not grown wings
yet, but i think i know more
now about how hollow bones
make you buoyant, but how
emptying yourself will never
be enough to let you fly. just
because something calls you
does not mean you have to
answer.

i promise that we heal. if
not today, then someday.
we will flower, yellow and
flushed with heat, growing
where they told us not to,
seeding the wind silver with
our wishes.

to the person i was before:
you are forgiven. i hope
you can say the same
of me. you have all
my love now, even if
you do not believe me.